I just have to write again tonight, even though it's my 3rd time today. Today was just a heart-wrenching afternoon/evening, not in a bad way, but i want to write to save those feelings and experiences i had today b/c they are important to me.
This afternoon like i said was just beautiful, and i sat at my desk working on my paper, looking out watching the spaniards walk outside my window, carrying their jackets, the leaves green on the trees, and i just had to smile. Dance class was wonderful as always, but it is coming to an end. I have 3 classes left, and i just cannot believe how fast time flew. I swear to god this was the best thing that i could have signed up to do. NOt only did i meet a great new guy friend, but also my teacher is amazing, & i've never laughed so hard with my girlfriends and the other girls there in all my life. There is another session following that goes from April 8 to May 27, and i want to sign up so bad, but i'm just crushed bc i am scheduled to leave May 11, and i would miss 3 weeks (so six classes). I don't know,,i might still go and sign up just to be able to experience it more..and since it's the same teacher and my Spanish friends are continuing. I'm going to talk with Nerea on Thurs about the class (she's the teacher)
Then tonight my guy friend took me out again after class...it was so fun..we have a great time talking and he only speaks spanish, but it is so great for me. I have a really hard time trusting men in general now, b/c the majority of them i've been with have been absolute jerks, so my expectations are low for things to go anywhere, however i'm not exactly looking to make that happen either..I justfeel like now, whatever is meant to be will be and i'll just guard my heart and enjoy the ride at the same time. The "One" is gonna have to work hard i guess unfortunately when he finds me since of the 'jerk's i've met and passed time with.
After he kissed me on the cheeks and told me we will go anytime i want, i just walked home under the stars thinkingabout how awesome this is and has been for me. I was already feeling a bit emotionally/ or sentimental when i got home, and then Julia and i had a heart-wrenching conversation about when i'll have to leave. We talked about how i'm leaving earlier than the kids normally do here, and how it will go fast..but what really touched me was what she said after that. I told her that th day i leave i'm going to cry all the way to the United States..She looks at me and says "oh no..everyone cries, but once you get on the plane, you'll be thinking about your life back there". But then she continued" but i will be sad for a long time" She then continued..."You are so special to me" "When you are gone, i wont have a reason to get up in th morning b/c i won't have u here to make breakfast for" "I wont' have your clothes to wash, your sheets and bed to tend to, or hear your voice in the house".."YOu keep me company, and i am not lonely when you are here"..SErioulsy, we just looked at each other, and all i could think about was "God"..i mean..i would have never in all of my biggest and greatest imaginations imagined that i would find myself so much and fit in so well in this country, with these people. I think we both could have just cried at that moment, and to prevent it i changed the subject quickly an just said"well i stil have about 6 wks lef). but that is so short, and my heart breaks thinking about it already. Don't get me wrong, i love my life in the United.States., and i wouldn't trade my American citizenship for anything, however i have two lives now. Coming to spain, i found more than just a semester abroad. I've been living the culture of the Spanish, eating their food, speaking their language, listening to their music, following their traditions day by day; accustomed myself to this way of life, this way of thinking, studying their history and culture, celebrating their traditions, praying their prayers, dancing their traditional dances, and falling in love with the people. I have a family here, i have best friends here; a part of me is here,,and what is more important is a part of me has 'become' into existance here, a new part that i love, that i never knew existed; a part that i've found and i am so happy to have encountered. Just the way i think, the way i interact with the people, the way i look at the world and what i have, what i want, and what is important to me. It's unbelievable. For this Spain is a part of me as well. It is not a temporary trip or study that i will leave or lose. I will return, perhaps frequently, b/c there is more than a piece of me here. There is a girl here who i love, who i want to keep and take with me forever, wherever i go, whatever i do, whoever i'm with, in whatever country i'm in.
I don't know which road my life will lead me down, but the amount of gratitude i hve for the life i've encountered and developed here in Spain i'll never be able to measure, because it is immeasurable. And i am not going to keep it a dream, but acceptit and be thankful for it as a real-life reality that i can have for ever, and continue with.
I will accept reality when i have to, i will continue on with my life in the United States b/c i have a dream there too, i have people i love, who love me back, the best family i could ask for, and many things to be thankful for. But this is apart of me know too, in a large way, and i'm going to keep it that way. I think the two can complement each other. I will make sure the do
I will be in Madrid tomorrow at the governement buildings for my civ/culture class, but i'll fill you in in a few days
all my love
LB
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